Thursday, April 14, 2011

Teenagers - Part two - Advanced Studies.

Serious researchers have conducted a number of advanced studies into what is commonly called "The Teenage Problem". As previously mentioned it should be remembered that all such studies are subject to the "No Connectivity Rule" that is, the apparent selective amnesia suffered by most adults when attempting to remember their own teenage years.

One of the more interesting results came from a study conducted amongst a sample of adults from the "Responsible Adult" and "Nurturing Parent" sub species. Although a number of these subjects had been positively identified as metamorphosing from the "Wild and Irresponsible", "Lout" and "Negatively Responding" sub species of  Teenagers  they all exhibited profound discomfort when questioned and insisted that their own pre Adult years had been as  "Diligent", "Co operative" or even "Polite" Teenagers. Significantly, but also confusingly, none of the tested Adults were diagnosed as lying. In fact all tests concluded that the subjects really believed what they were saying!

These results add more confusion to the massive amounts of conflicting data already accrued and throw considerable doubt on many previously held assumptions, for example it is now beginning to become clear that the pre metamorphosis stage (of the teenager) has no bearing what so ever on the form of the fully matured Adult. Some avant-garde researchers have even gone so far as to theorise that the influence of the Adult species on the pre pubescent pupa has more influence over the adult form that the teenager will adopt.

At this stage of research, in spite of all the conflicting evidence, a small number of facts have emerged, unfortunately these facts have been self evident since research began so we are no further along the long and difficult task of understanding the species "Teenager". For the uninitiated here is a brief synopsis of what we do know: -

1. All Teenagers,  in all the subspecies,  think they know everything
2. All Teenagers, in all the subspecies, are capable of loud and irritating behavior.
3. All Teenagers, in all the subspecies, are capable of , and delight in, rebellious behavior.
4. All Teenagers, in all the subspecies, have some inner compulsion to experiment with their lives.
5. All Teenagers, in all the subspecies, are subject to behavioral anomalies influenced by hormonal conflicts.
6.All Teenagers, in all the subspecies, are seriously effected by peer group pressures
7. All Teenagers, in all the subspecies, can, and will do, the deliberately and completely unexpected
8. All Teenagers, in all the subspecies, willfully and deliberately defy adult directives
9. All Teenagers, in all the subspecies, vigorously investigate any endeavour they are told not to pursue
10. All Teenagers, in all the subspecies, are a complete mystery to adult observers.

Finally I must give a word of warning to all Adults contemplating a study of the Teenage Problem. This study is fraught with danger and can result in sleepless nights, frustrating days,  fear, confusion, trips to sporting fixtures, unexpected transportation demands, senseless rage, worry and,  if the would be researcher is considering breeding their own test subjects, a considerable financial burden.

Friday, April 8, 2011


Yes teenagers - those disgusting, fresh looking, adult defying, monsters that remind us of the frivolous excesses of our own youth and whom we so dearly love to hate. Their resemblance to other well known species of pests is  well reported. Teenagers come in all shapes and sizes but display several common traits that allow for an easy and positive identification.The most common trait is that Teenagers universally think they know everything, this is a common trait across all subspecies and is one of the most reliable identifiers of the species as a whole. Another pointer to the general species is  a tendency to congregate in packs of various sizes. These packs can be found at various venues including beaches, clubs and shopping malls. Teenagers may also be recognised by a common compulsion to play their music over loudly and to experiment with alcoholic beverages, quite often with unfortunate results. The male of the species is  universally identifiable by out of control testosterone and an unshakable belief in it's own invincibility. 

Teenagers are very conscious of their own sub species and one will very rarely find a mixture of the sub species voluntarily gathered together. For example the sub species "Bogan" will not voluntarily gather with other well known sub species such as "Geeks". The observer - on sighting such an unusual gathering should approach with extreme caution as the gathering could be a prelude to sub species combat - or more dangerously for the observer - a highly specialised sub group who are experts at camouflage and practice the very uncomfortable ritual known as "Baiting".

Other well known sub species - usually, but not always, found among the younger members of the type are known as "Louts", "Loud Mouths" , "Thugs" and "Drug & Alcohol Effected". These sub species very rarely reach full maturity but in any case the observer is cautioned to avoid them where ever possible. The problem of course is that all sub species are continuing to evolve and what may be firmly documented as fact today may not be valid tomorrow.

One of the most confusing aspects to the adult observer is the rumoured,  rare, and in some cases unproven, existence of  such sub species as "Diligent", "Hard Working" and "Obedient". The highly controversial subject - of whether or not the extremely rare sub species "Polite" still exists, or is in fact extinct, still rages in academic circles. Some observers believe that recent reported sightings are in fact those of the more common sub species known as "Chameleon". In some circumstances the "Chameleon" subspecies can almost exactly imitate the "Polite" sub species colouring and attitudes.

The single most remarkable aspect of studying the Teenager species is their metamorphosis stage! As they emerge from their chrysalis as fully formed adults they may have evolved into any of the known adult species. One of the most spectacular of these transformations is when a "Bogan" or "Lout" emerges as a fully transformed "Responsible Adult". Conversely "Geeks" have been known to emerge as "Drop Outs", " Low Achievers" and " Welfare Dependents".

The controversy over this species will continue indefinitely, not the least because one of the most frustrating effects of the metamorphosis  stage is that emerging adults almost universally suffer a selective amnesia over their own Teenage stage. This seriously precludes any connective observations and continues to confuse researchers trying to find the answer to the "Teenage Problem".